fulfillment in my 20s

in my last blog post, i talked about how i’ve felt a little sad after graduation. that feeling of being lost in this giant world and shrinking smaller and smaller as time passes.

college is starting to feel like a distant memory.

recently, i've had more time to myself. at first, i saw that as a bad thing. i was bummed that i wasn’t around people my age every day, hanging out nonstop.

but now i’m realizing this is just part of entering my 20s.

it’s the stage where i am fully released into this world, after 22 years of preparation.

scary, right? well.. yeah, but i need to make the most out of it. i've prepared my whole life for this, whether i realized it or not.

i am on this journey on my own and as uncomfortable as it is, i am excited for it.

instead of reminiscing on what was, i am using this time to continue my growth and learn more about myself.

what truly makes me happy? what do i like and don't like? how do i handle conflict? what are my bad traits? what are my good traits? where do i lack in emotional intelligence? how can i improve these weak spots? what hobbies do i see myself still doing 10 years from now? i don't think i ever had definitive answers to these questions.

with so much extra time now, i can take deep breath and focus on searching for answers.

no more distractions.

your 20s is the last time your brain goes through a major change

with all these changes, both physiologically and externally, i need to feed my brain and avoid starving it.

what i've come to realize recently...

for years, i lived in the future.

i always had a timeline: graduate at 22, land a good job, get married at 30, have kids at 32. nothing’s wrong with those plans, but i was chasing them endlessly because society defined this as success.

it was never what i wanted. it was me wanting to live up to expectations.

this mindset has stressed me out so much. i am anxious about the future and am afraid of people looking down on me.

so, yeah... i've realized a lot of what i've wanted is for validation.

so, what now? what will truly make me feel fulfilled?

i want something deeper

fulfillment doesn’t come from titles, prestige, or money. that stuff won’t satisfy me if my life is just chasing fuck ass achievements for other people to see.

my 20s are going to be focused on learning about myself, living in the moment, and soaking up the present.

life is too short to seek validation from people who don't give a fuck about you.

what i value is human connection.

love, friendships, and relationships. connection is what makes us human. nothing else in this universe can develop these complex feelings and relationships as we do.

i've realized i love building connections with people. i love learning about people's background, life stories, why they are who they are, act the way they act, and think the way they think.

i love open conversations. i love breaking things down and seeing what i can take away. it’s like every conversation gives me a new mirror — i learn something about them, and in return, i use that information to improve myself.

embracing emotions...

my whole life, i've seen emotions and feelings as a weakness.

to be honest, it's not cuz i truly felt that way. it's because i'm scared.

i've grown up avoiding my emotions. i put my head down, nodded, and went about my business. i blocked out the noise and lived in my own world. i tried to not let them get to me.

as i got older, i realized that suppressing your feelings takes away a part of what makes you human.

honestly, i went through some sad shit over the past year-ish. shit fucks you up. stays with you forever. i tried suppressing it in the beginning, but it boiled up inside of me.

i became very angry. i would just have spurts of screaming when no one was there. i felt like i was going to explode. i didn't know how to process them because i was in denial.

time went on, and i began getting a little better. i slowly let myself be sad and i even found a way to vent through journaling and blogging.

then...

my friend passed away.

i cried. i cried at my friend's grad party at ucr, in his fucking room with a bunch of drunk people around me. i was sobbing so much. i couldn't control it. i also cried at my 22nd birthday party. i sat there, in the middle of the living room, in front of darien's poster. i sat there and wept. i couldn't stop.

i would've never done this before. that would be weak. that would be embarrasing. why would you do this dylan?

well, it made me feel better. my friends were hugging and comforting me. everybody was there for me. i didn't feel alone.

since then, my perspective on vulnerability changed.

it's good to feel things out. i shouldn't suppress it. it doesn't make me look weak.

actually, it shows strength. it's not easy for a grown man to cry in front of someone.

having people there for me was life-changing

i have people that care about me. i have people that love me. all these relationships and friendships i made were real.

just like they had my back, i will always have their back.

after my awakening this past year, i'm going to continue building off of it.

my 20s will be spent on building meaningful relationships, embracing my emotions, and being more comfortable with vulnerability.

it's a lot easier said than done... tbh, my mind is still fucked up from all the shit that happened over the past year.

but, i am learning to live with it.

real beauty is in the imperfections. the messy, colorful chaos that makes life worth living.

i am not going to strive to be a machine with no emotions anymore. i am focused on embracing what makes us human.

wish me luck on my journey! :D