my experience with loss

february 7th @ 1:00pm

i got a call from brandon, and i picked up.

"----- and ----- got into a car accident last night," - brandon

in my head, i was thinking, okay..."but they’re okay, right? just minor injuries? they’ll be fine."

"----- didn’t make it. he’s at the coroner’s. they put a bag over him at the scene." - brandon

i was so confused. i didn’t believe it. i wasn’t even sure what "coroner’s" meant. so i searched it up. as i was typing it in, i kept thinking, there has to be a way he’s okay. but deep down, i knew.

the definition for coroner's read:

"a public officer whose principal duty is to inquire by an inquest into the cause of death when there is reason to think the death may not be due to natural causes."

my entire body went into shock, and i immediately i dropped my phone. i had never felt so helpless.

usually, there’s something i can do to fix things. but this time, i couldn’t.

my friend was gone.

the rest of the day

initially, me and brandon told our housemates (we stayed with each other for the rest of the day).

now, we had to figure out how to go about telling people

• should we tell people?

  • who should we tell?

• who should we call first?

• how do we go about telling them?

  
  

while all this was happening, we couldn’t stop reflecting on our own lives.

• how dangerous driving is.

• how easy it is to take our friends and family for granted

• to appreciate each other more

• the meaning of life

• how real death is

  
  

soon after, me and brandon began calling people that we knew were close to him, breaking the news one by one.

it was so hard. witnessing each person's reaction broke me again and again.

hearing them cry on the phone and fall into shock took me back to the moment when i first heard of what happened.

the next day

we had rush interviews. i could barely walk. i could barely speak. i was just... numb.

seeing people was so hard, especially the ones who didn’t know yet. usually, i’m good at faking it, but this time, i couldn’t.

the viewing

it was so unreal.

i refused to believe it was him.

i couldn’t process it, even while looking at him.

i was trying so hard to make sense of it, but i couldn't.

none of it felt real.

the funeral

me and him used to talk about how sad it would be to go to each other’s funerals when we got old.

how one of us would have to go to the other’s funeral one day, and how heartbreaking that would be.

that was on my mind when i went to his funeral.

i drove to the funeral in silence. then, i walked into the building. so many people.

i sat down and followed along to the buddhist chants. soon after, i was called up to get the white gloves and flower pin.

i sat down at the front, getting ready for my speech. i sat next to darien's high school friends, brandon, and sharon (whom i've heard so much about, but never really talked to).

then, it was my time to go up for my speech. again, there was so many fucking people. it was a packed room, and i couldn't help but be extremely nervous. i read straight off my phone, avoiding eye contact with the crowd.

i felt numb. again, none of this shit felt real. i was up on the stage, unable to comprehend what was happening and what i was doing. at the end of my speech, i began to speak up more because there was this one point i wanted to get across to everybody. it was about not letting his memory fade away. to write down every moment they had with darien as soon as possible.

after, i watched the rest of the speeches. brandon's speech was great and extremely relatable (because i was there for most of it). then, sharon and his family members began speaking, and that began to fuck me up. it started feeling more real. as they spoke, you can feel the room heavy with emotion. grief took over the room.

i couldn't help but shed some tears. i don't think i've ever cried in public before (since i was a child), other than this moment.

after, i sat and watched each person walk past his casket, sending condolences to the family. that hit. seeing people who were also connected with darien in visible pain was heartbreaking. what was worse was seeing his family in so much pain and agony.

after, it was my turn. i stood there and stared, once again. it still didn't feel real.

i was given the honor of carrying his casket.

initially, i carried him into the car. after, we drove up to his grave site and brought him out of the car.

as i carried his casket towards his final resting place, the feeling that i failed him took over my body. now, it hit. this was the last time i was going to see him.

after, they were in the process of laying him to rest.

i stood there, staring at the grass.

emotions taking over again.

i couldn’t talk to anyone.

i couldn’t even go near people. i just wanted to be alone.

that was one of the saddest days of my life.

i still can’t believe it happened and still haven’t fully processed it.

reflection

he wasn’t just a memory or someone i knew. he was part of my everyday life.

i saw him every week. we were in the same clubs, had the same friends, went to the same school.

we talked about what college kids talked about, did what college kids did...

we had just gone to the ucr akpsi mixer a few days before his passing. we were so hyped for it the day of, talking about it at the gym while yelling at each other to go harder.

a few weeks before that, i drove him to san diego for retreat. we got lit the first night (as college kids do). the next day, we walked on the beach, went shopping, sang karaoke, and ate good food.

he was not just a memory, but an actual part of my life.

and then, out of nowhere, he was gone.

it’s hard for all of us.

so many people in our fraternity saw him just hours before he passed, showing how involved he was in our everyday lives.

it was all too sudden. too real.

he was just a normal fucking college kid. he was one of us. we were all in the same chapter of our lives—same ambitions, same struggles, same dreams.

and now...we just talk about him. we tell stories. we reference memories.

i don’t want people to forget he was real.

he was here. he laughed with us. he lived with us. he struggled with us. he dreamed with us.

and it hurts so much that as time passes, the feeling of him being real fades.

he may eventually become just a distant memory—someone they once knew.

i can’t control it. i really do hope people visit him often. i hope people still see him as part of their lives. but i understand it’s not always realistic to expect these things from other people.

but, personally, i refuse to let that happen. i will visit often. i will celebrate my milestones with him. i will never forget him. i will carry him with me forever.

to me, he’s not just a memory—he was, and always will be, a real part of my life.