choice, uncertainty, and being 23

abundance of options after graduating.

this is supposed to be a good thing.

your world becomes your oyster and for the first time, you actually get to choose what path you take. that alone is a privilege. i know most people in the world don’t get this opportunity. this is literally what my parents came to america for.

now it’s my turn to decide what i do with it.

having unlimited choices is fucking scary.

my entire life had structure. 17 years of school. one path. even college didn’t feel like a real choice. i picked one option and ran with it.

society is forcing me to make my own decisions now. to navigate this world on my own after being coddled for years.

for the first time, i’m not just reacting to circumstances and doing what i'm supposed to do.

i am now choosing what circumstances i put myself in. and everything i choose now actually matters. not in a “next semester” way, but in a “this shapes the next 10+ years of my life” way.

i can tell myself i’ll just go with the flow and do what feels right in the moment, but i can’t live purely off feeling without facing serious consequences anymore.

i’m a grown adult who has to think logically, weigh pros and cons, and accept that decisions today echo far into the future.

work alone brings a million questions. startup or corporate? product, data, or something else? where do i live now? where do i want to settle later? even relationships feel like decisions with long-term consequences. do i date someone i like now and risk wasting time, or do i wait for a “better” situation? but if i wait, will the "better" situation ever happen?

everything has risk. so many variables. so much uncertainty.

and the fucked up part is realizing that most of the shit that happens in my life is out of my control.

so yeah, i do have to trust myself to make decisions in the moment. but i also have to accept that choosing anything means closing doors, sitting with uncertainty, and living with outcomes i can’t perfectly predict.

i can't force that person to like me. i can't force my headphones to last me 30 years. i can't force things to turn out a certain way.

i need to learn how to let go

as much as i give deeply to people, friendships, and the things i commit myself to, ik that it will come with guaranteed loss. most people i’m close to now, i probably won’t talk to a year from now. the orgs i pour my everything into, i’ll eventually leave or it will leave me.

knowing this makes letting go hard. i put so much effort into smt and now its just gone.

sometimes i wonder if getting attached is even worth it. the more you care, the more it hurts when things end. but at the same time, without attachment, what’s the point?

i always try to remind myself that those bonds, those memories, those moments, allowed me to have incredible memories that have made me who i am today.

instead of looking at it as a burden you're forced to live with, look back with a smile. be grateful it happened.

adapting and accepting will be key to a good life.

everything is temporary. relationships, phases, opportunities — even me.

i understand that intellectually, but it doesn’t make the unknown any less scary.

so yeah, i overthink. but this overthinking is part of learning more about myself and how to navigate my life. learning how to take risks without freezing. how to fail, pivot, detach, and keep moving forward.

because life itself is risky. you don’t get to avoid suffering — you only get to decide whether you grow from it.

pain has taught me more than comfort ever could. failure has shaped me more than success.

i hate it while it’s happening and it's so hard to remind myself it's for the better. even tho ik i will look back and be grateful, it still be painful as fuck in the moment.

but fuck it, that's life. i need to take it like a man.

this year matters to me.

23 is my first real post-grad year. no school. no preset track. real money. real decisions. real consequences. and after a year of staying home and reflecting, i’m ready to put this into practice.

i’m going to put myself out there again. make effort. meet people. be open to dating. build community intentionally.

all the pain, suffering, and self-reflection at 21–22 prepared me for this.

this is me learning how to choose — imperfectly, intentionally, and without guarantees.

to the beginning of my post-grad years and learning how to be the best adult version of me :3