flaws

for most people, flaws are seen as black and white.

but for me, i see everything on a spectrum that shifts over time. it’s not about completely removing it from my life, but learning how to balance it so it doesn’t lean too far in one direction (as it does now).

so today, i’m breaking down my flaws, where they come from, and how i can manage both the good and bad sides of them.

i am reactive.

if i hear something i disagree with, or something that hits my ego, i instantly get emotional and defensive. i feel attacked, and my first instinct is to respond right away.

where does this come from? it’s a mix of things.

i hold strong beliefs and i’m assertive about them, but i lack the emotional control to stay open-minded in the moment because i believe i’m right. it’s basically stubbornness and a lack of emotional regulation.

it also comes from my parents. they grew up in an environment where survival came first, and vulnerability wasn’t really an option. being strong-minded and reactive was what kept them afloat. it was a necessity.

i picked up some of those traits growing up, even if i didn’t realize it. i did not like that my parents were reactive, however, i’m not any better. i lacked self-awareness for a long time, and even when i started noticing it, i didn’t really do much to change it.

instead of reacting, i need to just listen, take it in, and reflect. not everything is an attack.

solutions: i need to keep an open ear and actually listen to what the other person is saying. be open-minded and fully understand their perspective before reacting. control my emotions and process things with my mind instead of just reacting off instinct. that means truly listening — not half listening while waiting for my turn to respond.

i project my insecurities.

my reactiveness stems from that. deep down, i’m subconsciously insecure about myself. i think it started in high school, being around a bunch of dudes where everyone was constantly roasting each other. people would get grilled on their weaknesses and insecurities, and i never wanted to be that person getting made fun of.

hearing all that got into my head. i started seeing other people’s insecurities as “weak,” but at the same time, those were the exact insecurities i had too.

for example, this might sound dumb, but basketball. i was good, but not great — and there were levels to it. i felt insecure about not being at that top level, and i would project that onto other people. in my head, i’d think they were ass and subconsciously look down on them, the same way i felt better players looked down on me.

little things like that built up over time and turned into me projecting my insecurities onto others without even realizing it. even now, i catch myself doing it. like when i see people who are happy, stable, and settled. i know that’s not what i want right now — i’m in a phase of discomfort and self-discovery — but part of me still feels a little envious or insecure that i don’t have that yet. and sometimes i project that feeling onto them (indirectly, of course).

it’s not all bad though. i usually don’t project it outwardly — i keep it in my head and use it as fuel to push myself to another level. but still, i feel kinda guilty having those thoughts.

to fix this, i need to find my own happiness by doing what i want, not caring how other people see me. everything should be for me. that’s why i’ve been more off the grid lately — spending time with myself, my family, and a small circle of close friends.

no more chasing external validation. just me.

i am extremely competitive

insecurities drive me to be competitive. it’s like i’m always trying to prove to other people that i’m good enough.

i turn everything into a competition, even the smallest shit. and i know where that comes from — i’ve been seeking validation my whole life. from family, from school, from peers.

growing up around a bunch of dudes who were super judgmental and always roasting each other, i didn’t want to be the one getting clowned. so i chased to be at the top. i wanted to be the best so no one could say shit about me. and that mindset stuck.

that’s why i still carry that underdog mentality.

i’ve never been the most naturally talented at anything, but i’ll say this — i’m someone who goes all in. i put in a ton of effort, sometimes more than most. for better or worse, i commit. and honestly, this competitive mindset has helped me a lot.

but now… i need to learn how to let parts of it go. not completely — i still think having that edge and underdog mentality suits me. but the goal now is different. there’s no real competition anymore. i’m my own competition. there’s no ceiling — i just keep pushing myself higher.

at the same time, i need to figure out how to not burn myself out. there are still moments where i catch myself thinking i need to be better than everyone else, but that’s been fading since i graduated.

so now it’s about balance.

keep the drive, keep the edge — but stop comparing myself to others, avoid burnout, and start doing things for me.

i am guarded.

i guard my emotions because i don’t want to be seen as weak.

this comes from how i grew up. my family didn’t really express emotions, and in asian households, vulnerability just isn’t something that’s shown often.

my dad is super logical, and my mom tends to mask her feelings with stronger emotions, avoiding sadness. so naturally, i picked that up too.

in high school, i loosened up a bit, especially being around friends like john. i became more lighthearted, but there was always a barrier. i could never fully break it.

and honestly, that barrier has grown as i’ve gotten older. it fluctuates sometimes, but it’s always there.

i love connecting with people, but i feel like i can’t fully open up or be completely vulnerable. i don’t even fully know why — i just can’t.

that’s why i blog. that’s why i write. this is me being vulnerable on paper, hoping that one day it translates into real life too.

there is a good side to being more logical and guarded. i don’t get hurt as easily, and i don’t spiral as much. but at the end of the day, we’re human — we crave connection.

and honestly, i’d rather risk getting hurt and truly feel than live closed off.